I feel that I am born to be a loner.

I been trying hard to socialise with my poly friends to no avail. Maybe that it is because I am stubborn. The guys in my class is playing DOTA and invited me to join them but I turn them down flat saying that I do not like DOTA and will not try or learn to play that game. Having said that, I am already half an outcast to the guys classmates. Next, they called me to play pool. Again, I turned them down saying that I do not like to play pool. As a result, I am not that close to the guys in the class. For the girls, I am able to communicated with them better as they do not play DOTA or pool. However, I am in a relationship and I am trying to distance myself from them. Doesn't it all make me sounds like a loner in poly?

In my family, I could not get along with anybody too! My mother, father and sister. None of them could make me feel like chatting happily with them or sharing my secrets with either. Although it is a fact that I love my mother the most, I can also say that she could be someone I hate the most too. I had been arguing with her for no particular reason and usually my face is sulky in front of her. I find her unreasonable, old fashioned, and nagging. In fact, I am lost between whether to accompany her when she is lonely or leaving her alone so as to prevent us from arguing. My relationship with my father had been worst! Ever since I am young, I grew up to hate my father. Although he seems to have changed for the better now, I could not bring myself to accept him. After all, our relationship had been strain over the years and it is very difficult to mend it. As for my sister, she is always not at home. Even thought she is at home, I do not like it as she bother me. For example, she change the arrangement of the room, removing my beside table without my permission. Sigh... Sometimes I wonder why I am so god damn unlucky to be born into this family. When I look at my friends' family, I really envy them. Their family bonds are simply too much better than my family bonds. I think I am created into this world just for the sole purpose to continue my family name. I do feel love from my mother! Maybe it is called tough love. However, my mother is just too stubborn. She always like to do things her way to an extent to irritating me. I think my family member is just some people which I address as family without any kinship attachment.

I also feel that I am being to lose my friends one by one. Ever since I went into poly, I lose contact with many of them. Then again, it is maybe due to my stubbornness that caused it. I refuse to call them when they do not call me. All the closest people in my life seems just ordinary folks in to society to me now. Maybe just causual friends which is just mean to say "hi", "hello" and "goodbye" to.

For my relationship, I been starting to wonder the reasons why I wanted to be involved in one at the first place. Was it because I need a companion to share all my good and bad times with? Was it because I am desperate? Was it because that I am truely in love? I do not know. I am just not willing to let go of the relationship just yet. Maybe I am afraid to be lonely? Maybe I really love her too much to let her go? I really do not know. I miss the times at the past when we are so happy. We have all the time in the world to accompany each other and the whole world seems to be just occupied by just the two of us. However, times had changed. It seems that I could no longer tolerate her nonsense. I would snap at the slightest disagreement which we have or things do not go my way. I do not know why this is going on. I want to posess her all to myself. I know I am selfish. I want her time! I want her attention. I want her to place me as her piority! Yet, all this was not to be. Even when we say "goodbye" now, it all seems different. In the past, when we say "goodbye", the goodbye was long. None of us wants to hang up the phone. But now, our "goodbye" is fast and swift. Just the word "goodbye" and the phone will start producing the beeping sound. I do not know how to express this but I really do not like it. The way we understand each other is not like other couples who already had been together for more than ONE year. I confess that I really do not understand what is she thinking. Why is she unwilling to change some of the things I hate just for me. She claim she do not know what I am thinking. This is agree. The way I think is so complicated that even I do not understand. However, one thing is for sure! We should know our likes and dislike by know! Even though this is so, we still seems to be making each other angry on purpose. The feeling of anger is making me crazy but I just keep my silence. Maybe this is the way I am, keeping everything inside myself and blow up once I could not take it anymore. It seems that I am "blowing-up" now.

Sometimes I wonder... I tried so hard to socialise around with people and yet I am still a loner. Sometimes I like being a loner. It feels so free when nobody cares about what on earth am I doing. However, sometimes I am afriad to be lonely. What if there is nobody there when I need somebody? However, it is just my fault for how I ended up. My refuser to make new friends. My anti-social philosophy. I even blamed god for creating to be soft-spoken. I feel the hate inside me. I feel being treated unfairly. Honestly, sometimes I try to hide everything inside me, trying not to think about it. I am going to break down soon. Sigh... Maybe I am really suffering from depression. I do not mind whether I am a loner or not. I really want to be my old joyious self. I want to be happy. I want to smile. I want all of those and not the heavy heart which is weighting in my chest now all ready to explode.