Finally I am willing to blog! Haha... It is after my exams already and I am expecting like 4 As and a B for all my modules. I think it is really near to impossible for that to happen but I am hopeful that I can repeat my miracle as during the O levels. I am going to work soon and I do not think I will have time to blog or anything interesting to blog. Maybe i will be leaving this blog to rot for awhile.

Okay!! Cyn and I celebrated our 17 months together last saturday! Time really passes really quickly. It had been a long long time since we are able to sit down togehter and had a long talk regarding everything. I really enjoyed it very much! Okay... Cynthia gave me a surprise gift for the aniversary. Not really useful but a gift is still a gift, haha, it is the thoughts that counts. She folded a giant crane for me! Using Vanguard sheet! Madness... Anyway, it is a good start! Considering Cynthia do not even know how to fold paper cranes! Haha!! Thanks alot...

Two modules are over and one module is down in the drains. My last paper is on Friday! In fact, that is the paper which I have the most confident in! Hopefully, I will not be too complacent.

Today, I sleep till 3 plus in the afternoon only to be awaken by Cythia's SMS. The contents of her message is "I dismissed le". I slept all the way from the time Cynthia start sleeping all the way to the time she was dismissed! Wow! It had been a very very very long time since I slept this long.

That is the most interesting thing which happened today. Nothing else more to add so I am going to end here. Bye!

Finally, another module is over. The macroeconomics paper was easiler than what i expected and I am confident of getting an A. Hopefully, i will not be disappointed. The next test, business management, will be on monday and i know shit about this module. I am prepared to get a C grade for this module already but again, I always aim higher. May I get a B+ for bmgmt at least? Or else getting a C will pull my GPA down alot.

Wow! I could not believe I study through out last night! I wanted to sleep from 9pm to 1pm but I was disturbed by my sister using the computer and the 7 month celebration thingy below my home. They were so noisy that I give up forcing myself to sleep. I just took a nap from 4am to 5am! Other than that, I was studing furiously for macro. In fact, after all the studying, I am so confident that I hardly even touch the notes on my way to school. I was relaxing my overworked brain during the bus journey and when I reached school, I just refresh my memory with my classmates. Immediately when I reached home, I headed straight for my bed and sleep till 4pm. However, I think the sleep is insufficient as my head is hurting me now.

Speaking of hurt, I do not know what went into me today. I feel the urge to hurt myself suddenly. I pounded my fist onto the wall, slapped the wall with my palm and punch the wall using my fist with quite a big force. This may sound funny but I like the pain I felt! Okay, let me describe what I did first. First, I punch the wall so hard that my knuckles hurt so much. I could not take a second punch on the wall so I just pound and slap the wall. Somehow, this feeling of pain is able to erase what my brain is thinking! Maybe I will use this method more often. But regretfully, I did all of that using only my right hand and now my right hand is swollen. Knowing that I cant that the pain from knocking the wall, I switch method. Ouch! My hand still hurts now. The next method was exercising! I did a whopping 100 push ups! My record so far for doing push up at one go. The next set was 50 and 50. Total, I did 200 push ups. I played with the dumbbells too! After I did all of those method, my head surprising feels clear. No heart have liften. I want to experience those feeling more often. Maybe I will start punching the wall again after my hand has recovered. Oh ya! I would like to thank Jie Yong! Your idea of covering the face with a pillow while screaming was effective! I did get to scream my lungs out! However, the problems is that while I am screaming, my throat start to become very dry. It could be due to insufficient air entering my airpipes.

Lastly, to end off, I would like to wish my secondary school happy 50 years anniversary! Although I had graduated, the school will always give me fond memories. Hope everyone attending the QUEST 50 anniversary dinner will enjoy themselves there!

Sigh.. I am burning the midnight oil... Macro economics exam tomorrow... I need 77 marks to get an A grade and just 22 marks to pass! Easy task to pass all my module but extremely difficult to get a good grade... Sigh... I drank 3 bottles of chicken essense lei, maybe drink another bottle in the morning... Wah... Drinking chinese tea and studying.. hopefully can keep me awake...

I pray, I pray... Too all gods and for good luck. Help me do well in my exams!!!

You say me whether I am trying to get revenge. I reply yes. You said fine with you. I am seriously begining to think that we really have serious communication problems. Our words are like needles which will inflict pain to the reader reading or listening to it.

During my O levels examination, you claim that I am too busy for you. I study so much that I completely neglected you. However, I remember I still have 1 hour of time to chat with you and not counting the numberous messages which I sent you. Now, you are hardly into your examination period and you are already so damn busy with projects which will restrict you to sending less than 10 messages a day to me and talking to me less than 15 minutes on the phone each day. Is it fair that you get to complain during my O level examinations and I do not get to even get to protest about how busy you are. You keep telling me to be understanding, next week will be better and give me all kinds of promises. However, weeks drag after weeks, to and extent that I want to become apathetic with whats going on regarding you. Let me emphasis, I WANT TO but I cant bring myself to do so.

Sigh... I cant understand I am able help other people in their problems but I myself am so helpless. My situation is similar with other people yet I could not do anything about it. Now I wish I am born dumb, mute and blind. Dumb to insult or arguement. Mute as in a will not be able to show my temper or opinion and all the anger will be trapped inside my body. Blind as not to be tempted by anything. In this way, My life will be much simplier. I may even die earlier! This is definitely good news if I am not afraid of death. Imagine, the demanding society, heartache from relationship and many other thngs, I am able to escape all of those earlier than any other people! Sigh.. too bad I am afriad of death.

Back to my revenge. I am getting revenge from doing the things which I love doing and might even benefit me in the future. What a joke! I say it is kind of like a revenge as you get to participate in so much things in school. You have friends in school! Maybe I am just jealous of you. The competitive spirit in me had evolve. I want to be better than you. It could be one of those way I could phrase it. Another way to phrase it is that I am doing all those things to avoid thinking too much. You know I get paranoid easily & get angry easily. If there is something distracting me, I will not think negative thoughts.

Sigh, I am going back to study. This exams is really going to be tough of me. Everything seems to be against me. My health, my relationship and my determination leading me away from concentrating in my exams. I guess I really need alot of luck to do well this time round. Honestly speaking, this is the first time I am thinking of ending everything. I am not willing but I have to make a choice. Let time create a decision for me...

I covered all the topics for my Macroeconomics exam already! You will not believe how relief I am after doing so. My strategy for the exams: Remember the main points and then crap out the details if I can. I am not really very optimistic about my exams thought. I can say I am absolutely not well prepared for this exam. Nevermind thought, I promise myself I will push myself to the max from this day onwards.

Yesterday, I went to Queenstown CC to play basketball. That was the most energtic game of basketball I ever play. The players there were good! I suffered a few injuries thought. Recently, I been thinking of giving up my most beloved sport and concentrating on going to the gym and jogging. I already found some pals which I can go jogging with but no one is willing to accompany me to the gym. Sigh... I cannot go to the gym alone. I will have a high chance of been flatten by the weights. I have this natural tendency to push more weight than my body will allow me to. Maybe I will have to change this habit so as to built my body more efficiently.

I do not know what I am saying just now. I am just seeking someone to understand me and help me control my temper etc etc. I think i really need help to put the past behind me. I want to let go of the past and cannot seems to do so. Thinking of the past really make me angry, hurt and unhappy. Maybe I should seek professional help?

I feel that I am born to be a loner.

I been trying hard to socialise with my poly friends to no avail. Maybe that it is because I am stubborn. The guys in my class is playing DOTA and invited me to join them but I turn them down flat saying that I do not like DOTA and will not try or learn to play that game. Having said that, I am already half an outcast to the guys classmates. Next, they called me to play pool. Again, I turned them down saying that I do not like to play pool. As a result, I am not that close to the guys in the class. For the girls, I am able to communicated with them better as they do not play DOTA or pool. However, I am in a relationship and I am trying to distance myself from them. Doesn't it all make me sounds like a loner in poly?

In my family, I could not get along with anybody too! My mother, father and sister. None of them could make me feel like chatting happily with them or sharing my secrets with either. Although it is a fact that I love my mother the most, I can also say that she could be someone I hate the most too. I had been arguing with her for no particular reason and usually my face is sulky in front of her. I find her unreasonable, old fashioned, and nagging. In fact, I am lost between whether to accompany her when she is lonely or leaving her alone so as to prevent us from arguing. My relationship with my father had been worst! Ever since I am young, I grew up to hate my father. Although he seems to have changed for the better now, I could not bring myself to accept him. After all, our relationship had been strain over the years and it is very difficult to mend it. As for my sister, she is always not at home. Even thought she is at home, I do not like it as she bother me. For example, she change the arrangement of the room, removing my beside table without my permission. Sigh... Sometimes I wonder why I am so god damn unlucky to be born into this family. When I look at my friends' family, I really envy them. Their family bonds are simply too much better than my family bonds. I think I am created into this world just for the sole purpose to continue my family name. I do feel love from my mother! Maybe it is called tough love. However, my mother is just too stubborn. She always like to do things her way to an extent to irritating me. I think my family member is just some people which I address as family without any kinship attachment.

I also feel that I am being to lose my friends one by one. Ever since I went into poly, I lose contact with many of them. Then again, it is maybe due to my stubbornness that caused it. I refuse to call them when they do not call me. All the closest people in my life seems just ordinary folks in to society to me now. Maybe just causual friends which is just mean to say "hi", "hello" and "goodbye" to.

For my relationship, I been starting to wonder the reasons why I wanted to be involved in one at the first place. Was it because I need a companion to share all my good and bad times with? Was it because I am desperate? Was it because that I am truely in love? I do not know. I am just not willing to let go of the relationship just yet. Maybe I am afraid to be lonely? Maybe I really love her too much to let her go? I really do not know. I miss the times at the past when we are so happy. We have all the time in the world to accompany each other and the whole world seems to be just occupied by just the two of us. However, times had changed. It seems that I could no longer tolerate her nonsense. I would snap at the slightest disagreement which we have or things do not go my way. I do not know why this is going on. I want to posess her all to myself. I know I am selfish. I want her time! I want her attention. I want her to place me as her piority! Yet, all this was not to be. Even when we say "goodbye" now, it all seems different. In the past, when we say "goodbye", the goodbye was long. None of us wants to hang up the phone. But now, our "goodbye" is fast and swift. Just the word "goodbye" and the phone will start producing the beeping sound. I do not know how to express this but I really do not like it. The way we understand each other is not like other couples who already had been together for more than ONE year. I confess that I really do not understand what is she thinking. Why is she unwilling to change some of the things I hate just for me. She claim she do not know what I am thinking. This is agree. The way I think is so complicated that even I do not understand. However, one thing is for sure! We should know our likes and dislike by know! Even though this is so, we still seems to be making each other angry on purpose. The feeling of anger is making me crazy but I just keep my silence. Maybe this is the way I am, keeping everything inside myself and blow up once I could not take it anymore. It seems that I am "blowing-up" now.

Sometimes I wonder... I tried so hard to socialise around with people and yet I am still a loner. Sometimes I like being a loner. It feels so free when nobody cares about what on earth am I doing. However, sometimes I am afriad to be lonely. What if there is nobody there when I need somebody? However, it is just my fault for how I ended up. My refuser to make new friends. My anti-social philosophy. I even blamed god for creating to be soft-spoken. I feel the hate inside me. I feel being treated unfairly. Honestly, sometimes I try to hide everything inside me, trying not to think about it. I am going to break down soon. Sigh... Maybe I am really suffering from depression. I do not mind whether I am a loner or not. I really want to be my old joyious self. I want to be happy. I want to smile. I want all of those and not the heavy heart which is weighting in my chest now all ready to explode.

Sigh.. Long time since I had been this sick. Having a cold and sore eyes right now. How on earth can i concentrate on studying for my exams with all those illness!! Maybe I am fated not to do well in this coming exams.

My exams is approaching and I am sleeping everytime I am suppose to study! Why do I not have any motivation to study? Exams is ONLY TWO WEEKS away and I am not anxious at all! Take today for example: I am studying for my macro economics paper and I fallen asleep immediately after I finish reading all my notes! I was still planning to do some past years' exam papers after I had read my notes. Why is this happening to me? I do not want to do badly for my exams! I want A grade for all my modules and not those stinking B or C grades. Sigh... Hope I will wake up soon...

Yesterday, I was a marina watching the fireworks with Cynthia. I admit that this firework was some what different from the other fireworks I had seen. Briefly, it was spectacular. It was colourful and the fireworks displayed were made of all sort of designs. I particularly love the fireworks at the end where the whole sky seems to be filled with comets falling straight until earth. But the atmosphere wasn't that wonderful. I could not shout and scream as I always did while watching the fireworks. Cynthia covered my mouth whenever I tried to scream! So i could only feast my eyes on the fireworks. The place was also filled with people! I remember going there early to have a good location to share some romantic moments with Cynthia. However, the place was already almost full by then. By the time the clock strike 9 when the fireworks were schedule to start, the whole place was flooded with people. Flooded to an extent to skin to skin contact with anyone in the crowd (wow!). This was what I see from the front la... because I and Cynthia manage to find a close to cosy spot in front.

In the morning of yesterday, I was back in my secondary school for the award ceremony. The teachers were damn strict about neatness! They pin up my hair using hair clips so as to make my hair appears short and forced me to tuck in my shirt! What the hell man! I have graduated and what is wrong with wearing smart casual instead of formal? I still look smart what. Just get a tiny mini $50 popular bookshop voucher only! But it was a good experience. That was the first time I was up on the school stage receiving an award for something good I had done. My mother seems so proud of me while seating in the VIP seats. This is the best I could do to make you smile. Hopefully, I still can do more to that...

I just finish watching the GTO animation. GTO stands for Great Teacher Onizuka. I admire what that man can do although it all seems quite exaggerating. The things he is willing to sacrifice for his students and his wits. Of course, it is always great to have a bunch of school girls wearing mini skirt surrounding you all the time! Oh my god, it is a dream come true. Lol... Haha.. joking... I really envy him for what he can do. After watching this animation, I dream of doing something great. Something I can do which could actually make people remember me! What can I do? Be a teacher? Help out in community work? What is greatness? Do I have a makings of a great person? Sigh... Maybe this all is just a dream.

Lets talk about what I have included into my collection since the last time I had blog. My mother bought me two branded stuffs!!! Maybe this is her form of congraluating me for my good results and good behavior recently. The first item is a branded polo tee from Timberland!!! It is striped with green and white! My favourite colour!!! The next item is a green slip-on. YES!!! Another into my green collections! Haha... The slip-on is from Crocs and it is damn expensive. I should have called Cynthia to buy for me when she is still working for that company to save some money. It is certainly not value for money for those piles of rubber. Thanks mother!!!!

End off here lei... Someone please motivate me to study!!! Sigh... and I am getting paranoid also... HELP HELP HELP HELP!!! I do not feel right!!!! ~~~~~