Perhaps I had always been arguing with my mother... Perhaps I am very upset with my mother... But in my heart... She will always be the greatest women in my life... Why? She single-handedly bought me up to what I am today. Without any help from my father. She slaved her life, started work at a incredibly small age. The age when she started working was even younger than how old I am now. Rightfully, she ought to be able to enjoy her life now but she is still spending 9 hours working a day. She isn't young anymore and she is lonely. My father is forever not at home. I am not saying that my father do not step into this home. He only go home for sleep and seldoms stay in the home for more than half an hour. My sister... having bought up by my grandmother and not my mother created a strain in their relationship. My sister is always trying to avoid coming home to decrease her arguement with the family. That leave me to take care of my poor mother, who has to be so lonely at a old age. Call me selfish or homely or anything thing but I will forever place my mother at the first place. Does this answers your questions dear? Who hasn't been understanding? You just do not understand my family. I am not calling you to love my family but just understand them. I had been having family problems since young. The beating scar may have gone physically but it will still remain emotionally.

I am thinking of writing my life story on my blog but there is some things which I do not dare to say. I have gone mad... I just want to torture myself by exercising and exercising. Perhaps real pain and reduce the pain in my heart?

My past... as a loner... I think i prefer that type of life is that there is no one out there who will want to hurt me. I will just be standing in a corner doing whatever I please which is nobody's business... I can do things which will bring me joy and nobody will give me negative comments.. However, everything is different now... Especially my heart... It feels extremely painful.. bitter and sore... My brain... it feels that it is drained out of all its energy... I am not happy now as compared to the past... Maybe that is why I prefer the past... No one gives me any promises so there would not be any promises to break... No one will be close to my heart so my heart will not break so easily...

However... there are good things too! Someone to care for me and to love me.. but i have not felt any of this feelings still... Maybe sometimes but not always... I was hoping that you will be there when I really need someone... I want to pour my heart out on someone.. This is something which I really have to difficulty to do so...

Lastly... I just want so say something to my dearest Cynthia... Although we been arguing and I been very "cold" recently... I still love you more than anything else in the world other than my mother... And I had always been keeping my promise except of one ocassion... I am capable of doing what I say... you should know... Sorry...

Im updating my blog... I am currently at a loss of words... What i planned isn't going on as what i wanted.. i have alot of complains.. alot of opinions.. but nothing ever comes out of my mouth... mayb i shld go back to the past... the true me... a loner... never mixing wif anyone... mayb tat is my life.. what for fake? what for show a mask for pple to see? Sorry... i dunno wad is going on wif my brain... emotionally unstable perhaps? the pass few months is really the most terrible to go through... everything came crashing down on me... everything which i deemed closest to me just seems to drift off... mayb i shld just spend quality time on my own as i always had...